Out comes my dirty little secret

Why am I blogging, why now after all these years? 

2 reasons I think.

1, NM is dying. she's got less than a year. So I wanted to get something out there, before she goes. I thought this was revenge. To let somebody, anybody know the truth as I saw it. Possibly.

2, My little revelation was just today and it's much much worse. I'm resisting her last attempt to force me to show sympathy. It's her final drama and I don't want to play a role. 

For many years now I've played cool, sidestepped, distracted her,  kept away, deliberately misunderstood, shook my head and smiled condescendingly, but never given her the responses she needed. Before that from about 15 to 18,  I openly provoked her, (usually about her activities and ideas that made her feel grandiose), so I could then refuse her this strange need for something or another.  

Later after becoming a father, my own family  assisted too, not because of me but because of my daughter , just to keep her at bay.

But now, after all these years, I feel cornered. I'm not sad she's going to die, it just feels unpleasant. The pressure is on, even one of her friends, unbelievably a psychotherapist from LA, contacted me and was trying to get inside my head, demanding to know how I felt. She implied that my kids would be affected by my lack of weeping and sorrow.  

This is nonsense!!!  I do have feelings and I was knocked sideways by the death of my ex father in law, best friend, best friends mother. (they died earlier than expected). Other deaths in the family have been sad. 

I read somewhere that victims of narcissists feel that somehow a little worm has been implanted into their body and even after years no contact, it wriggles and and causes discomfort. I spat and vomited mine out and stamped on it repeatedly years ago and now I feel I'm going to have another implanted against my will. Can you understand that?

It's a nightmare. What the hell am I supposed to do?

From the Web. A professional view.

It may be written by a pro and  it seems to have loads of information and takes a very neutral stance.

Q. Do Narcissists only love themselves?

 

A. Narcissists cannot love in a healthy or traditional way. They profess love only in order to be loved back - this is narcissistic love. In a healthy relationship, loving someone is not dependent upon emotional reciprocity. If your child stops loving you - you do not stop loving him. You simply cannot not love him. For the Narcissist, when the admiration from the other person stops, their "love" for that person stops. Narcissists love the reflection of themselves. In other words, they cannot formulate self love solely on who they are (because inside they feel worth-less), so they project an image of themselves for others to see (i.e. someone very intelligent, rich, accomplished etc.). Then when people around them buy into that projected image, and begin to reflect it back to the narcissist (through admiration, awe, or clinging behavior), the narcissist is able to love that reflected image of himself (i.e. "everyone can see how wonderful I am so I must be wonderful").

 

Q. Can the Narcissist live a normal life?

 

A. What's normal? If you mean like most people, then the answer is no. Instead of realistic goals, the Narcissist has a grandiose fantasy. The fantasy cannot be effectively pursued because it is an elusive, ever receding target.

 

To the Narcissist, life is too difficult. The Narcissist does have achievements which might be judged as being very good, but he has to "minimise" them as having been "too easy" to achieve. The Narcissist cannot admit that he has worked hard to achieve something – this will shatter his fantasy of being grandiose or better than everyone else. He must outwardly belittle every achievement of his and make it sound uneventful, nothing special, quite routine. This enables him to support the dreamland quality of his fragmented personality. But it also prevents him from feeling accomplished by having reached a goal: he side steps the opportunity to get social support for his achievement which would help develop his sense of self-confidence,and strengthening his sense of self-worth. When he does achieve something – he degrades it to enhance his own sense of omnipotence (to keep from facing reality).

 

Q. What kind of parent does the Narcissist make?

 

A. Narcissism tends to breed Narcissism. The Narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted source of Narcissistic supply. The child is considered and treated as an extension of the Narcissist's personality. It is through the child that the Narcissist seeks to settle "open accounts" with the world. The child is supposed to materialize the unfulfilled Narcissistic dreams and fantasies of the Narcissistic parent.

 

This "Life by Proxy" can develop in two possible ways: the Narcissist can either merge with his child or be ambivalent towards him. The ambivalence is the result of a conflict between the attainment of Narcissistic goals and pathological (destructive) envy. To ameliorate the unease bred by emotional ambivalence, the Narcissist resorts to a myriad of control mechanisms. The latter can be grouped into: guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you…"), dependence-driven ("I need you, I cannot cope without you…"), goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we must achieve") and explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion or any other set of values – sanctions will be imposed").

Q. What kind of person is attracted to a narcissistic partner?

 

A. The narcissist's partner must have a distorted grasp of himself and of reality. Otherwise, he (or she) is bound to abandon the narcissist early on. The tendency is for the narcissist to belittle and demean the partner – while aggrandizing and adoring himself. The partner is, thus, placing himself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimized. At other times, he is not even aware of his predicament.

 

The Narcissist is perceived by the partner to be superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, financially). The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish himself. The partner, by playing the role of dependent/victimb encourages certain traits and behaviors, which are at the very core of Narcissism. A Narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his false self, depends on it. He needs a source of continual validation that he is superior.

 

It is through self-denial that the partner survives. He denies his wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual needs, psychological needs, material needs, everything, which might engender the wrath of the Narcissist Godlike supreme figure. The Narcissist is rendered even more superior through and because of this self-denial.

Q. Can the Narcissist ever get better?

 

A. A Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an all-pervasive condition. It is an inseparable part of the personality, a recurrent set of behavior patterns. Recent research shows that there is a condition which might be called "Transient or Temporary or Short Term Narcissism" as opposed to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD)". The phenomenon of "Reactive Narcissistic Regression" is well known: people regress to a temporary narcissistic phase in reaction to a major life crisis which threatens their mental composure. There are Narcissistic traits in every personality and in this sense, all of us are Narcissists to this or to that extent. However the person with NPD lives his life entrenched with the extreme symptoms of the disorder. No one knows why, but as with age (in one's late forties) the Disorder seems to decrease in intensity and levels off to a lesser degree of intensity. This does not universally occur, though.

 

Q. Can the Narcissist feel empathy for others?

 

A. The Narcissist always feels bad. He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and lesser dysphoric moods. He goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders. He experiences panic from time to time. It is not pleasant to be a Narcissist. But he has a diminished ability to empathize, so he rarely feels sorry for what he has done. He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his "victims". Sure, he feels distressed because he is intelligent enough to realize that something is wrong with him in a major way. He compares himself to others and the outcome is never favorable. His grandiosity is one of the defense mechanisms that he uses to cover up for this disagreeable state of things. However this is his darkest secret. He doesn't want others to see his inner feelings of inferiority. The Narcissist is immersed in self-loathing and self pity. He is under duress and distress most of his waking life. When others around him are in pain he will use even this to aggrandize himself: "poor things, if they had just listened to me," or "they are so inferior. It is no wonder that they are so depressed." With the narcissist everything is me me me. The narcissist will listen to a friend's troubles by topping their story with one of his own, rather than offer comfort. The only way a Narcissist can train himself to feel something close to empathy is to imagine that the story is about him. His responce might be "That happened to me once and it was awful."

 

Q. What causes Narcissism to develop?

 

A. Narcissism is thought to develop in young children who are not given the nurturing and admiration they need from their caregivers. While the young child's personality is developing they internalize their experience with emotional neglect as inadequacy in themselves. They get the message that they are undeserving of love and attention and learn to defend their ego by puffing themselves up with their peers. Children who continually lie about their life by creating fantastic stories representing their inflated sense of power or importance are exhibiting narcissistic traits. They feel so unimportant that they fear what others' would think of them if they found out how dull and painful their life really was. As they grow into adulthood, this tendency to lie about their life often develops into an intense need to identify themselves in some way with people they see as important or superior. For instance, after seeing an actor in an airport, they might begin to tell stories about their friendship with the actor in an attempt to place themselves on the actors perceived status level in the eyes of others. They might join organizations or elite clubs in an attempt to make connections with important people. However their circle of peers will be composed of people whom the narcissist looks down on, people who look up to him as they listen to his stories of grandiosity. All the while, the narcissist is desperately trying to create what was missing in childhood.

What is Gaslighting?

I’ve looked into this , I really didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand it’s purpose. To a normal human being it’s an alien concept. But after finding out something about it , the penny dropped. In my case NM used it so I wouldn’t believe, trust or confide in anyone but her. The gaslighting was all mixed up with jealousy, hatred, mockery, disdain and pure fear mongering. Well, I didn’t trust her either, certainly couldn’t confide in her. She said  I was unforthcoming, secretive, therefore dishonest. So, I was actually completely on my own.

Of course the enablers and passives were trained to back her up, I couldn't trust them either.  She even made sure I was aware of that. She classed my Gran as an enabler, but she wasn't, so I always had a little belief.

Strangely, I had lots of freedom as a boy, I was always out, after school activities, scouts, just whizzing around on bikes with friends.  I remember, on quite a few occasions , leaving the house after a good slapping, my face still burning, tears still rolling and I had 20 yards to get normal, to straighten up before seeing my friends. I had to lie sometimes, something was in my eye, it’s really windy out there, were my favourites.

Staying the weekend with Grandparents on their sheep farm was also great freedom. But NM always gave Gran a long list of orders. These included taking us to the village church, what we could eat, not eat,  bedtimes, what we were allowed, not allowed to see on TV, a list of punishments and crimes. Grandparents were only allowed to speak the Queens English, not some silly rural dialect. Gran just shook her head in dismay then used the forbidden food list as a menu. The other orders were used to light the fire.

It always confused me that although she spent time and energy trying to convince us we were somehow a better caring happy family, but to me,  my friends families seemed more relaxed, smiled and laughed more naturally, also seemed more equal to each other.

We gave God a home visit every Sunday and that made us immediately more superior. I hated going there, opening your eyes when praying meant a slapping session later. She always prayed with her head angled up, snout pointing skyward, sniffing out some ecclesiastical  recognition. Always hoping with that little stone heart  that  the Vicar and God would see the snapped shut eyes. She listened to the rambling sermons with her head cocked jauntily to the side and blinked non stop, her face with an oh so knowledgeable look, as if he was merely repeating what she had already endorsed as worthy.  She warbled and screeched the loudest during the hymns, like a comic parody of a bad opera soprano. Her voice piercing heaven like a poisoned arrow. Her makeup was always the thickest, her perfume the smelliest and my embarrassment the greatest. 


She once said that she would have preferred to live in the 17^th Century when EVVVRYBODY was obedient to the church, this horrified me that everybody in the world would become like her.  Sort of a like a medieval version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 
When we got back to the car, I was told not to take my tie off until we got home, it was disrespectful.  I remember thinking that God probably thought it was a sin, dressing properly in church included the ride home. So there was God, aiming a lightning bolt at the back seat of my Dads car , because a 9 year old boy had loosened his tie. And there he was, locking the gates to heaven because I opened my eyes during a long incomprehensible prayer. All this on my mothers recommendation, because she was saintly. God obviously needed her expert help to look for sinners. 


No, this place to me,was somewhere everyone was a bit crazy and could not be trusted. Grans little church seemed less threatening. By the age of 11, I’d started to wonder if there even 2 Gods. One for normal folks and the other for crazy hypocrites.

I couldn’t speak to anyone about my homelife of course, all friends parents had an invented serious problem that would make them unapproachable, but also make me unwilling to answer any awkward questions. My best friends father was genuinely concerned, he was a jovial , kind man, but my Mother insisted he was an alcoholic, so he wasn’t actually being friendly, just the drink talking. Of course every time I saw him with a beer or a glass of scotch just confirmed this.

Another friends mother, a foul mouthed slut, she implied her kids might have had different fathers. (They actually all looked like clones, but 2 were redheads.)

Another friends parents, all wrapped up in themselves, didn’t care about their children, far too busy buying expensive clothes, cars, furniture, but kids always look scruffy. (Jealousy! Friends Dad was well paid, and boys always get scruffy anyway)

Her own Mother, getting senile, even little problems, or, any pressure makes her ill. (Didn’t stop Queen Croc yelling at her)

My old Auntie, only pretending to listen, not interested really, just wants to hear bad gossip and pass it on. (Exactly the opposite actually and never bad mouthed NM until I was an adult).

Uncle, husband of Aunty, a hen pecked low intelligence laughable man, oh yes and short term memory problems. (So if I complained, he’d just forget)

Teachers at school who praised or complimented me, only saying that to make me feel better, they were more than likely disappointed and just being kind.

If she spoke to them on a parents evening, she just lied about what they said about me. I got particularly upset on one occasion and asked this teacher about why he had said something to my mother. When he told me what he did say, I confronted her and she immediately invented a story about him. This was something about him being an atheist with no morals, so he wouldn’t worry about lying.

She had a hard job explaining away a couple of prizes I had won, was paranoid I would get big headed, the sports medals didn’t count, some sportsmen are really thick you know.

Did the huge fuzzy gas bubble burst one day and I saw rainbows and nice colours and little birds tweeting in the trees for the first time? No, it was never totally complete and it fizzled out unceremoniously bit by bit. The gaslit world is dark, scary, everchanging and uncertain. The real world isn’t like a Disney set, it’s just normal, unglamorous and it’s how you make it by yourself. 

A Double Life

Ok I'll explain my 2 lives, most adults have them. 

First is the home life, relaxed, feet up watching TV with a pizza, with partner stealing little bits and giving it to the giggling kids. No pressure. 

When kids with normal human parents are growing up, this is really the only life they know. 

Other life is the business meeting, with heightened awareness, still smiling and being polite, but standing your corner, showing solutions, bit of adrenalin, but everything you say is thought out and controlled and keep on smiling, maintain self control , never show weakness, never drop your guard.

Now, can you imagine throwing an 8 year old into a business meeting and demanding results. They'd crumble, wouldn't have a clue what was happening. That's what happens to victims of NM's , children and adults, because they don't realize it's actually a high awareness meeting, they are still in relax mode. Can you then imagine the stress on a young child to be under this pressure most of the waking day.  It's horrible and unnatural. Probably explains why there's so many bitter and angry victims writing and following these type blogs.

Dear Mother, it appears that you have removed my childhood, please arrange for it's prompt return  

Ok, back to the theory stuff I've just invented. Right, we both know that a Narc is never off duty, so move into important meeting mode when she's around. Keep that public face switched on, but never drop your guard, because hers is always up too. 

If enablers are around, they are the useful idiots, they really don't see things coming either, they just react when they're hit. Use them, I sometimes feel a bit bad, but I use my Dad like this against NM. Just humorous little digs at NM that he always laughs at.

My NM likes to educate so I use looks too, my favourite is 'you don't really know what you're talking about do you'. It's deniable and easily answered with 'no I'm just concentrating, it sounds really complicated.' 
And because Narcs are never beaten they will keep explaining, so the next response is , 'that's not what you said last time' . Time to bring in the useful idiots and get them to help. Creep BIL always jumps to her defence and gets angry and pompous. Now you've won, time to give that annoying knowing smile and quip, 'Just testing'

Last time back on a solo visit I spent an evening with NM's enabler best friends son. NM was trying to put me off so I knew it was a good idea. I used this to spread a bit of dissent about my mothers mental health, actually it was a riot, we laughed all night, but the points got across. Those clucking hens on the  cathedral committees are starting to worry that NM is getting forgetful and gets angry and flustered easily. I also implied incontinence, a great reputation killer. 

It's all a bit of mischief but I'd rather be watching TV with beer and pizza.

Now and Then

After 4 or so years in the army, I’d gotten over all my implanted hangups, become quite self confident, been promoted twice, ran a small communications repair team, I’d done 2 tours of duty, first a nice cushy UN tour in Cyprus and just returned from bandit country in Northern Ireland, where it’d been a bit stressful . I’d also just split from my first serious girlfrend. I had a week free so I took the chance to visit my parents.

First evening , dinner, present were NM, enabler Dad, passive  Grandad and golden sister with new enabler boyfriend. My expectation, to relax, have a nice dinner, catch up with family goings on.

NM’s expectation, to show everyone that she hasn’t lost her magical powers of control.

Conversation, something like this...

NM- I found these really funny old photo’s of David the other day, who wants to see them? (screech screech)( She has tried this trick about 4 times.)

Asshole boyfriend with porn star moustache- That’s a good idea (bray bray)

Me-  I’m not in the mood for this nonsense, you don’t want to see the cricket trophy I won?

NM- Maybe later, I don’t understand cricket.

Asshole boyfriend then launches into a story about funny cricket players that has everybody honking, braying and screeching. He then starts on me, which everybody honks and screeches to again. I remember my head spinning, feeling somehow betrayed, angry and totally off balance.

Me- What the hell’s going on here?

NM- OH David, you silly goose, you always did take yourself so seriously.

More screeching and braying.

Me- Well I’m only staying until tomorrow and I’ve been invited out tonight.

NM- Stop it David, you’re so puffed up and over confident these days, you really do need taking down a peg or two.

Me- Strangely Mother, the army says something completely different.

NM- They don’t know you as well as I do.

Me- Better actually. Look, I’m not staying here to be insulted by some creep I’ve never met before.

NM- (aged 48, overweight, started wearing a miniskirt)- No, he’s really WUUUUNDERFUL! It’s a pity you can’t be more like him.

Me- You kidding?

Result, everyone upset and confused, NM’s pale watery eyes are searching around for support. Enablers are all looking down, even creep won’t look at me.  I go out, but feel like a loser, it only happens when I’m here I think.  So, I never slept under that roof again and I realized that confrontation didn’t work, she still had the upper hand.  Sister married the creep. Creep would go on to make a pass at ex wife, ex girlfriend and current partner. Creep

Move forward to present day, first evening of week long visit, (she wanted a month), location, our restaurant in Germany.

Present at dinner,  long term partner, partners mother, father and uncle, our daughter upstairs in flat finishing homework or something.  We’re all prepared for visit, we know all about NM, girlfriends uncle looks a bit worried. I wink at him, he smiles, we’re a team.

We’re all sat at a table, NM is out of comfort zone, she’s not only in a public place but in our public domain, she’s at the other end of a long table from enabler Dad, he’s right next to me.

Girlfriend to my Dad – So how was the flight?

Parents, almost at the same time- Dad- it was fine (he’s trained not to complain). NM, well the service was a bit unfriendly. And.....

Our team- Laughs

Partners father- Were you on the same flight?

Everyone but NM –Laughs again.

NM, looks around furtively, knows something is wrong.

NM- why isn’t granddaughter joining us.

Me- She’s got an exam coming up, she’ll be down soon.

NM- (sarcastically) Well it must be VERY important. (Nothing is more important than her)

All our team including Uncle- OHH YES (nodding at the same time) NM senses danger of exalted position.

NM quickly to Uncle- So, what subject is she studying? (singling him out, he’s the weakest link, recently widowed)

Uncle (shrugging shoulders) - I don’t know, just something important I think.

Everyone including enabler Dad- Laughs (NM knows there is a problem)

Grandaughter arrives.

NM to Grandaughter- What were you studying? It must be difficult.

Grandaughter- No Gran, I was skyping my friend, she’s got a new boyfriend.

Everyone except NM- laughs and laughs

Partners mother- It’s so nice that we can all sit down and laugh together. Team agrees.

NM completely out of her depth, pale watery eyes look round again.

OK, so NM managed to get our waiter to do lots of explaining about the menu, some fuss between the English and the German version. Her pocket dictionary was even out. She’s really just testing his patience. But that’s his job, his English is quite good and he was warned in advance.  I can feel myself getting angry, but my partner puts her hand on my arm.

Partner- He’s a really good waiter, his wife just had a baby and he needs the extra money, we’re lucky to have him. (All our team nod and smile)

NM (trying to cast doubt) - Well, if you really think so. (She hates him, it was her chance to show him up, to make us and the restaurant look bad)

End of meal, I invite waiter to sit down, introduce him to parents, partners mother asks him about baby.  Team do lots of OOOHs and AAAHs.

Partner to waiter- you must bring baby sometime soon so we can see her.

Partners Dad and surprisingly my Dad give waiter a big tip. NM smiles uncertainly, wonders why my Dad tipped the waiter. She now guesses she won’t rule the roost for the next 6 days, self pity is written all over face.  Yes, we’ve taken some time off to show them round, but NM will never have us alone and cornered. No, we won’t try to make her feel unwelcome, but we’ll keep her at arms length. She’s played mind games 3 times on the first day and we are all on amber alert. 

All her enablers are hundreds of miles away and enabler Dad will sense a bit of freedom, hide behind me and granddaughter a bit and play deaf to NM, she’ll have to repeat everything 3 or 4 times. This is bad for her, she can’t do ridicule and laugh alone.

So, did she enjoy the holiday to Germany? I asked, but only my Father answered, he thought it was a great time. We did all the right things, went to lots of interesting places, took hundreds of photo’s and sent them to enabler sister. They’ll go home and give enabler sister 2 completely different versions of the same situation, sister will look at the photo’s and continue living in her fuzzy gaslit strange world.

Narcissism in society

I live in Germany, where once upon a time it was in the grip of one of the greatest Narcissists of all time.  Hitlers father was a narcissist, young Adolf a scapegoat, his mother an enabler. He completely re wrote his own personal history (and his personality) and after causing the deaths of millions of people, lost  the war, blamed everyone but himself and killed himself.

Stalin,  not charismatic , but coldy calculating,  acheived even more deaths, but had a very similar upbringing.  He saw everyone as a potential threat to his survival and had them killed, whilst projecting his smiling Uncle Joe persona.

I’m not an expert on Narcissistic men.  I come from a military environment, where they were far and few between. Male narcissists, like female narcissists, tend not to fool all the people all the time, quickly become unpopular and are weeded out.

Narcissists are also cowards, so in a military environment around other men, tend to control their behaviour and  reserve bullying for their wives and children. Nice eh!

I know that there are many people and experts who believe that because being a soldier or a marine invloves wearing a nice uniform, medals and getting accolades of  gratitude, marching bands etc. Then it follows that Narcs will flock into this proffession. But no, I don’t go for it, sorry.  Being a soldier , marine or an airman involves  dying , discomfort, taking orders, even dealing with equals, and having your performance closely assessed is a bit too much for an insecure, internally quivering cowardly narcissist. 


I'm also not talking about vanity, some military are obsessed with their own appearance, that's not malignant narcissistic personality disorder. To the outside world it looks over the top but it's actually a requirement.


However a few did make it through, they were either far too strict or too friendly, completely unapproachable and I mean completely unapproachable, even at the bar, especially when talking to equals. Or the other extreme, the type who like to say  'my  door is always open', which means I will get inside your head and use you.  But, consistently , neither type has a sense of humour, both are good as sucking up to superiors and speaking down to those under them. Neither type is ever relaxed or off duty. Unapproachables fear feedback, open doors love it, but privately. Both types consistently hide behind their rank, however high or low. 
Why are they in a tiny minority? Both types destroy morale, reduce fighting and working capacity and then it's obvious where the problem lies.


Personally I prefer someone who says, come and see me, but if my door is locked I'm probably looking at porn.

Yes, yes, I know that Hitler was in the First World War and he got an Iron Cross. But it now transpires he was a runner who was mostly well behind the frontlines and had close access to malleable and probably gullible officers who fell for his tales of bravery and grandeur.  He did convince a nation of the same didn’t he? Stalin was never a soldier, never fought in a battle.

We run a bar and restaurant in Germany, I do the bar, my girlfriend manages the restaurant. One old guy who used to sit at my bar, had learned English in a POW camp, he’d been a crewman on a U Boat. He told me that when the Nazi’s came to power, it wasn’t just the SS and a few party members ruling the masses, there were loads of these self righteous crazies seemed to appear from nowhere.  It wasn’t just propaganda and fear, it was teachers, police, shopkeepers, friends parents, wanting right inside your head.

He said that the Navy was well known as not too Nazified, The highest percentage of Nazi's were in the Luftwaffe. Why? Because apart from pilots taking all the risks, the rest had safe cushy jobs well away from danger. And the other bastards weren’t on the frontlines getting killed either.  No they had sorted themselves out with the safer controlling jobs, concentration camp guards, gestapo, civil servants in occupied zones.

Something’s just struck me here. It’s when society is in a bit of flux  that Narcissists seem to flourish. Think, Russian revolution, German depression in the 30’s, Chinese cultural revolution, Hippy revolution ( Charles Manson‘s input).

Enablers fighting the good fight. 

I guess that if someone or some people are trying to cause a bit of hysteria, or uncertainty, such as Global Warming,  there’s a Narcissist somewhere in there causing it , or trying to take advantage of it.  Narcsissists don’t want to help you, they want to cause anxiety , fear and they want you to think that they alone have the answers, so you can only go running to them.  And if you don’t there’s an army of enablers who will also encourage you. 

How to deal with a Narcissist Mother

First of all, if you've been accused of being a Narcissist Mother, you probably already feel anger and contempt for me already.

Watch out humans, I'm here to harm you.

If you're a Golden Child, but your siblings have mentioned that your Mother has Narcissistic qualities, you probably think I'm paranoid, spoilt , just like complaining and of course ungrateful.
If You've been a scapegoat of a Queen Crocodile, you probably want to know more and will recognize as very familiar what I've said already.

Ok , there are 3 options

1. Full compliance and submission. If you want your emotions extracted at will, your own children being taught to feel shame, guilt and always feeling somehow never loved, just carry on as you are. But remember just because your NM is normal and nice some of the time, or even most of the time, they are actually hard at work sucking you in. They never actually relax, they can't , they are completely insecure, they don't want you to find out that they're not human.

2. Complete no contact. This is an extreme measure, but NM's are extreme beings, they don't actually love you , they just need you to love them. But, saying that, they are also clever, they will get others to do their dirty work, they're far too clever to treat everybody badly. You WILL get that phonecall, that facebook message. However you will be able to get on with your life, enjoy it , be a success without hindrance, make mistakes without their adding humiliation to it.

3. Controlled or Minimal contact. This is my option, I moved countries but I like to visit home to see other friends and family too. But it's on my terms,  firstly for the sake of my daughter, she's now a teenager, she's happy, carefree and gets on well with others, abuse by a third party is not an option. Lastly it's for my sake, I have had my own life for a long time now. When I fly back to England I always stay with friends, I do visit my parents, but in short manageable bursts. When my parents come out to visit me, it's around when we can fit them in. They are retired, we run a business, they can't argue with that.

This may all sound a bit cold and calculating, but NM's operate this way, there isn't anything they do or say that isn't a careful calculation. And believe it or not, the reason is the same, self protection. I do it so we can enjoy a normal life, they do it to satisfy an insatiable desire to be adored.

Meetings with Queen Croc.

1. Potential put downs. For example, my mother always asks my partner and my daughter if they want to see the funny photo's of me as a teenager. (followed by screeching laughter)  Parry this by asking to see just the nice ones, or funny ones of golden sister. Don't be tempted to ask to see the funny photo's of Queen Crocodile, never fight fire with fire, they definitely won't exist anyway. Result, Queen Croc will ponder and plan the next move. Photo's will be forgotten.

2. Derision of some ostracised relative. This is my job, parry this attack with some thing like ' I'm sure you told it differently last time' .Before she can answer, go to the toilet, all go and queue at the toilet. She will wait, just to prove you wrong. Then pounce, bring out that nice present. offer to take them somewhere wonderful the next day and keep talking about it.

3. Long monologues about their wonderful successes. Distract, Distract , Distract!!  Answer that important call on your cell phone (should be on silent, but you can feel it ringing). Monologue will stop, she's too nosey and needs to know whats happening. Time for partner to ask a red herring question. Yes we planned this, tried it, it works.

4. Inappropriate presents form Queen Croc. Most NM's revel in this ploy, it's really quite a nasty trick. However, never ever show dislike or complain. This is an excuse to play the victim who tries her best and nobody appreciates it.

If it's an item of clothing that's sure not to fit, insist on trying it on. Always in my case a sweater that's completely weird and always too small. Insist that she doesn't take it back to the shop , but insist she gives to golden child or golden childs son. You can bet it will never arrive there.

If it's a toy or something that looks really very cheap, sympathize and advise her that she shouldn't spend so much money next time, perhaps just give a little bit of cash instead.

If it's obviously for a much younger child, ask if you really think that your son or daughter is old enough for something like this and are there any age recommendations on the box? Queen Croc  will know she's being backed into a corner, but won't try this particular trick again.

If it's a present which is obviously for a much older child, e.g. a book with adult content given to a 10 year old. This is inexcusable, and it has happened to us, look pleased, take the book from the child, find the offending passages and read them out loud.

The above are not theoretical examples, they are experiences.  But don't get hopeful, the same will happen next year.



5. Wallowing in self pity. Always recommend a psychiatrist, when reminded that you meant psychotherapist, claim ignorance and ask nicely for an explanation about the difference, Narcissists love to know better and will give a long educational condescending answer. I've done this twice and I usually quip that it sounds suspiciously similar, doesn't it folks. Result , even my Dad laughs at this. My Mother has a good answer to being laughed and that's claiming that everybody is ganging up on her, followed by a false screeching laugh. This is the time to laugh along with her.

6, Days out. Queen Crocs love being taken out.  Don't let her choose, always make it somewhere that the kids would love, she can't argue with that and she will sniff out an opportunity to get inside the children s heads. They really do know that people are susceptible to attack when they're happy and relaxed.
Big mistake Queen Croc, my daughter loves motor racing. But seriously, anywhere loud and busy will be better. Avoid quiet museums and art galleries, Queen Croc will know all about it and use it to lecture the kids and mix in a bit of mind play too.   Same with eating out, big loud and noisy, never quiet and cosy.

Queen Crocs aren't stupid, they know somehow you've kept them away, now is the time to really confuse them by saying that you think it's really nice that we all get on so well together these days. Then jump back on the plane and relax.

This was a quick synopsis of our last family visit back home, it's still draining to have this mother and I have to admit 2 things.
1. We planned our tactics in advance, including my daughter ,who is now 17.
2. We went on a real holiday 3 days later.

How does a Narcissist Mother choose her targets

This is a question that has long intrigued me. What also intrigues me is how alike NM's are. When you go through the blogs and websites and you read an article about an NM you immediately see something far too familiar. And then when you scroll down to the comments, everyone is saying stuff like 'that's just like my mother' worse still  I read stuff like ' I read your post it, it reminded me of my mother and I cried '

Love me or suffer, you ungrateful little bastard

Now that's what makes me really angry, Narc Mothers ruin peoples lives and it's widespread.  I say people not just children.  My mother  has held a large extended family to ransom since before I remember. She couldn't have children naturally so we were adopted, I was 18 months old, already answered to my name, so she couldn't change it.

But 18 months is still a baby, a little human being to love and nurture. If I had known what was going on at the time, I would have hoped for that I suppose, but even the adoption agency didn't bargain for me being a mere possession to be moulded as a  compliant worshipping enabler of malignant narcissist. But that became  the objective.

My younger sister arrived 6 months later but was just a few weeks old. So why was she chosen as the golden child and not MEEEE???   If I asked her , she wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about. But I'm not that stupid and I'm the survivor and she the one has to comply with the old vampire now, I'm well away.

I suppose that by 18 months old I'd been reacting well to quite nice treatment and had never encountered cruelty or emotional abuse up to that point, and once it started I probably reacted badly.
 I sometimes wonder how it feels to a Narcissistic Mother to inflict that first bit of cruelty  on to an innocent helpless baby. Is there a pang of guilt? Or is it done with with no conscience as part of a carefully worked out plan?  How did she go about it?  She did do the crocodile tears on my 2  kids when they were young and they laughed! The other Grandmother was normal so they thought this was some kind of play acting, how right they actually were!!


I'm can only vaguely remember never quite falling for the gaslighting and other nasty little tricks, so I was already becoming a rebel  at 2 years old, in my mothers eyes anyway.   I suppose it's genetic and If I'd been their natural child I might have been easier to understand but coming from somebody different and somewhere else, I might have inherited stubborn or headstrong genes, again I don't really know for sure.

Let's talk about physical abuse and cruelty. Yes, that happened and mostly it wasn't justified. It wasn't for stealing which I never did, or fighting, just occasionally maybe, ripping clothes when playing outside, yes ok. Generally, I was a polite boy and I was well behaved in public.
No, the face slaps came from non acceptance of a Narcissists rules.  These aren't rules in the normal sense and to child like me completely confusing, that's why I always fell foul of them. That's why I was always scared. I didn't know what was going on until it hit me.

Well the rules are-
1, Obey every whim
2, Show lots and lots of love and lots and lots of gratitude.
3. Agree with every statement whether friendly or foul.
4. Don't even ask why, that's defiance and feigning ignorance
5. And always remember, it will never be enough, so try harder and harder.
6. All rules are changeable and deniable on a minute by minute basis.

Anything contrary or showing independence of thought will be  punished by slapping, kicking, strangling and even belting.

When you cry as a result of punishment, that's confirmation of  guilt and will result in more physical punishment. If you don't cry, that's evil defiance, more slaps.

Wincing when slapped, yes that's being defiant, so another slap.

It all went wrong one Sunday morning when I received a slap for something or another and my mothers engagement ring slashed my face just before setting off to visit her parents. She coerced me into lying about it so as 'Not to worry your Gran, she's not been well and doesn't understand things you see'.
In other words I would be responsible for making my Grandmother ill, and if she's stupid she can't help.
But I knew my Gran was in good health and not mentally subnormal so I told her everything.


 I was just scared and didn't wan't to go home. I was 10 at the time and vaguely remember my mother telling my Gran I was somehow evil,  had bad blood in me , then telling her that she was probably senile so wouldn't understand how bad I was.  The worst thing was the stunning silence from my Father and Grandfather, nice  passive old enablers, you can always rely on them to do absolutely nothing. 

The slappings stopped when I was about 13, they hadn't bargained on a teenage 6 foot son, I also did well at sport, so I was quite athletic. It all stopped when she aimed a slap at me for some imagined defiance and I caught her wrist and held it , when my Father threatened to join in I warned him verbally and he just backed down.

If you think that that was it, NO, Narcissists just alter the tactics, it was time to grind me down verbally. The demolition wasn't quite over yet.

So where how did the golden sister fit in to all this, well, by being proactively charming to those that mattered, that's my parents and she'd also learned how to speak condescendingly to those who didn't matter, that was  just about everybody else. Hilariously, she let slip my mothers private derisive remarks directly to just about every family member.  Result, no friends growing up and grandparents and Aunts, Uncles were wary of her.

The truth is that everyone who comes into contact with a narcissist is a target, but the treatment they receive will be chosen carefully  for the roles they will play in the narcissists life.  On this special chessboard there is one High Queen and lots and lots of pawns.

My rule is,  Every minute you spend thinking or worrying about a narcissist is a minute taken from your life and wasted on them.


I would really like to know if you had a similar experience, or am  I just crazy?

Hi Everyone

Hi I'm not actually Dave Hawkins, this is just a name I'm using as anonymity enables me to speak my true feelings without my real friends and family crossing that private boundary.  I guess I still suffer from my upbringing and I have to admit that I hate showing my feelings to all but 1 or 2 close friends.

I don't know how you feel, but if you've been brought up by a narcissist,  feelings are there to be exploited. For example, as a child if I laughed, I had a warped sense of humor, a bad person. (narcissists don't have a sense of humor in the normal sense). If I cried, it was a sign of guilt, Yes I've got you you little bastard. Or worse, laughed at for being stupid, yes, narcissists humor is ridicule and derision. If I reacted to a humiliation in public and shot my mother a dirty look, there was always this terribly hurt, watery eyed expression in return, followed by a temper tantrum in private. So from an early age I learned to hide all my feelings and although I was accused of being a cold fish, I could live with that. But I'm not a cold fish, I cry like anybody else, but in private that's all.

At the age of 18 I was standing on a railway platform, waiting to catch a train to the South of England to join the army. I remember feeling scared, not of joining the army, but of taking a train without my parents. Although I was a tall fit young man, who looked normal and was of average intelligence, I had absolutely no self confidence at all, that had all been systematically extracted over the years.  I also believed that everyone was somehow more capable, they would look at me and instantly see I was an inadequate fraud waiting to be exposed and laughed at.

During my basic training, which was tough, I found the instructors to be thorough, encouraging and humorous. The army put downs were sarcastic, memorable and funny, but I was used to put downs that invaded my very soul, questioned my very existence, Army put downs were just wake up calls. The most amazing thing was I was never singled out or ridiculed, Wow! I'm normal! I thought.

Homesickness surfaced amongst the other recruits a bit during my training and I really couldn't understand why anyone would cry for their mothers. My Gran had died the year before, she was the only person I had ever confided in. This was my mothers mother, she had told me my mother was a difficult temperamental child.  I was my Grans favourite, much to my Mothers distress. My younger sister was my parents golden child, completely compliant and also was encouraged to join in my derision along with my enabling Father.

She therefore treated our Gran the same way as my mother, a simple lady you had to speak a bit louder and a bit slower to. So, there was no trust between my sister and my Gran. When my Grandmother died, my mother of course became the high chief mourner that all the extended family had to give sympathy to and she just wallowed in it and lapped it all up. After the funeral we all had lunch and her large watery eyes searched for any who dared avoid her. I remember I felt angry and resentful at this situation, I had to get away and leave this madhouse behind.

As far as I was concerned, my parents had adopted me when I was 18 months old and had completely abused this privilege. 'We chose you.' she would say, implying that I should feel grateful and compliant. No, they didn't choose me, they were selected by a committee.

So, please give me your comments , your own experiences. Gotta say, I quite enjoyed writing this. Next time I'll explore how nasty and toxic Narcissism actually is and the extent narcissistic mothers will go to, to maintain control. It gets messy and you can never win.