Why am I blogging, why now after all these years?
2 reasons I think.
1, NM is dying. she's got less than a year. So I wanted to get something out there, before she goes. I thought this was revenge. To let somebody, anybody know the truth as I saw it. Possibly.
2, My little revelation was just today and it's much much worse. I'm resisting her last attempt to force me to show sympathy. It's her final drama and I don't want to play a role.
For many years now I've played cool, sidestepped, distracted her, kept away, deliberately misunderstood, shook my head and smiled condescendingly, but never given her the responses she needed. Before that from about 15 to 18, I openly provoked her, (usually about her activities and ideas that made her feel grandiose), so I could then refuse her this strange need for something or another.
Later after becoming a father, my own family assisted too, not because of me but because of my daughter , just to keep her at bay.
But now, after all these years, I feel cornered. I'm not sad she's going to die, it just feels unpleasant. The pressure is on, even one of her friends, unbelievably a psychotherapist from LA, contacted me and was trying to get inside my head, demanding to know how I felt. She implied that my kids would be affected by my lack of weeping and sorrow.
This is nonsense!!! I do have feelings and I was knocked sideways by the death of my ex father in law, best friend, best friends mother. (they died earlier than expected). Other deaths in the family have been sad.
I read somewhere that victims of narcissists feel that somehow a little worm has been implanted into their body and even after years no contact, it wriggles and and causes discomfort. I spat and vomited mine out and stamped on it repeatedly years ago and now I feel I'm going to have another implanted against my will. Can you understand that?
It's a nightmare. What the hell am I supposed to do?