|Watch out humans, I'm here to harm you.|
If you're a Golden Child, but your siblings have mentioned that your Mother has Narcissistic qualities, you probably think I'm paranoid, spoilt , just like complaining and of course ungrateful.
If You've been a scapegoat of a Queen Crocodile, you probably want to know more and will recognize as very familiar what I've said already.
Ok , there are 3 options
1. Full compliance and submission. If you want your emotions extracted at will, your own children being taught to feel shame, guilt and always feeling somehow never loved, just carry on as you are. But remember just because your NM is normal and nice some of the time, or even most of the time, they are actually hard at work sucking you in. They never actually relax, they can't , they are completely insecure, they don't want you to find out that they're not human.
2. Complete no contact. This is an extreme measure, but NM's are extreme beings, they don't actually love you , they just need you to love them. But, saying that, they are also clever, they will get others to do their dirty work, they're far too clever to treat everybody badly. You WILL get that phonecall, that facebook message. However you will be able to get on with your life, enjoy it , be a success without hindrance, make mistakes without their adding humiliation to it.
3. Controlled or Minimal contact. This is my option, I moved countries but I like to visit home to see other friends and family too. But it's on my terms, firstly for the sake of my daughter, she's now a teenager, she's happy, carefree and gets on well with others, abuse by a third party is not an option. Lastly it's for my sake, I have had my own life for a long time now. When I fly back to England I always stay with friends, I do visit my parents, but in short manageable bursts. When my parents come out to visit me, it's around when we can fit them in. They are retired, we run a business, they can't argue with that.
This may all sound a bit cold and calculating, but NM's operate this way, there isn't anything they do or say that isn't a careful calculation. And believe it or not, the reason is the same, self protection. I do it so we can enjoy a normal life, they do it to satisfy an insatiable desire to be adored.
Meetings with Queen Croc.
1. Potential put downs. For example, my mother always asks my partner and my daughter if they want to see the funny photo's of me as a teenager. (followed by screeching laughter) Parry this by asking to see just the nice ones, or funny ones of golden sister. Don't be tempted to ask to see the funny photo's of Queen Crocodile, never fight fire with fire, they definitely won't exist anyway. Result, Queen Croc will ponder and plan the next move. Photo's will be forgotten.
2. Derision of some ostracised relative. This is my job, parry this attack with some thing like ' I'm sure you told it differently last time' .Before she can answer, go to the toilet, all go and queue at the toilet. She will wait, just to prove you wrong. Then pounce, bring out that nice present. offer to take them somewhere wonderful the next day and keep talking about it.
3. Long monologues about their wonderful successes. Distract, Distract , Distract!! Answer that important call on your cell phone (should be on silent, but you can feel it ringing). Monologue will stop, she's too nosey and needs to know whats happening. Time for partner to ask a red herring question. Yes we planned this, tried it, it works.
4. Inappropriate presents form Queen Croc. Most NM's revel in this ploy, it's really quite a nasty trick. However, never ever show dislike or complain. This is an excuse to play the victim who tries her best and nobody appreciates it.
If it's an item of clothing that's sure not to fit, insist on trying it on. Always in my case a sweater that's completely weird and always too small. Insist that she doesn't take it back to the shop , but insist she gives to golden child or golden childs son. You can bet it will never arrive there.
If it's a toy or something that looks really very cheap, sympathize and advise her that she shouldn't spend so much money next time, perhaps just give a little bit of cash instead.
If it's obviously for a much younger child, ask if you really think that your son or daughter is old enough for something like this and are there any age recommendations on the box? Queen Croc will know she's being backed into a corner, but won't try this particular trick again.
If it's a present which is obviously for a much older child, e.g. a book with adult content given to a 10 year old. This is inexcusable, and it has happened to us, look pleased, take the book from the child, find the offending passages and read them out loud.
The above are not theoretical examples, they are experiences. But don't get hopeful, the same will happen next year.
5. Wallowing in self pity. Always recommend a psychiatrist, when reminded that you meant psychotherapist, claim ignorance and ask nicely for an explanation about the difference, Narcissists love to know better and will give a long educational condescending answer. I've done this twice and I usually quip that it sounds suspiciously similar, doesn't it folks. Result , even my Dad laughs at this. My Mother has a good answer to being laughed and that's claiming that everybody is ganging up on her, followed by a false screeching laugh. This is the time to laugh along with her.
6, Days out. Queen Crocs love being taken out. Don't let her choose, always make it somewhere that the kids would love, she can't argue with that and she will sniff out an opportunity to get inside the children s heads. They really do know that people are susceptible to attack when they're happy and relaxed.
Big mistake Queen Croc, my daughter loves motor racing. But seriously, anywhere loud and busy will be better. Avoid quiet museums and art galleries, Queen Croc will know all about it and use it to lecture the kids and mix in a bit of mind play too. Same with eating out, big loud and noisy, never quiet and cosy.
Queen Crocs aren't stupid, they know somehow you've kept them away, now is the time to really confuse them by saying that you think it's really nice that we all get on so well together these days. Then jump back on the plane and relax.
This was a quick synopsis of our last family visit back home, it's still draining to have this mother and I have to admit 2 things.
1. We planned our tactics in advance, including my daughter ,who is now 17.
2. We went on a real holiday 3 days later.