Wednesday, 20 June 2012

How does a Narcissist Mother choose her targets

This is a question that has long intrigued me. What also intrigues me is how alike NM's are. When you go through the blogs and websites and you read an article about an NM you immediately see something far too familiar. And then when you scroll down to the comments, everyone is saying stuff like 'that's just like my mother' worse still  I read stuff like ' I read your post it, it reminded me of my mother and I cried '

Love me or suffer, you ungrateful little bastard

Now that's what makes me really angry, Narc Mothers ruin peoples lives and it's widespread.  I say people not just children.  My mother  has held a large extended family to ransom since before I remember. She couldn't have children naturally so we were adopted, I was 18 months old, already answered to my name, so she couldn't change it.

But 18 months is still a baby, a little human being to love and nurture. If I had known what was going on at the time, I would have hoped for that I suppose, but even the adoption agency didn't bargain for me being a mere possession to be moulded as a  compliant worshipping enabler of malignant narcissist. But that became  the objective.

My younger sister arrived 6 months later but was just a few weeks old. So why was she chosen as the golden child and not MEEEE???   If I asked her , she wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about. But I'm not that stupid and I'm the survivor and she the one has to comply with the old vampire now, I'm well away.

I suppose that by 18 months old I'd been reacting well to quite nice treatment and had never encountered cruelty or emotional abuse up to that point, and once it started I probably reacted badly.
 I sometimes wonder how it feels to a Narcissistic Mother to inflict that first bit of cruelty  on to an innocent helpless baby. Is there a pang of guilt? Or is it done with with no conscience as part of a carefully worked out plan?  How did she go about it?  She did do the crocodile tears on my 2  kids when they were young and they laughed! The other Grandmother was normal so they thought this was some kind of play acting, how right they actually were!!

I'm can only vaguely remember never quite falling for the gaslighting and other nasty little tricks, so I was already becoming a rebel  at 2 years old, in my mothers eyes anyway.   I suppose it's genetic and If I'd been their natural child I might have been easier to understand but coming from somebody different and somewhere else, I might have inherited stubborn or headstrong genes, again I don't really know for sure.

Let's talk about physical abuse and cruelty. Yes, that happened and mostly it wasn't justified. It wasn't for stealing which I never did, or fighting, just occasionally maybe, ripping clothes when playing outside, yes ok. Generally, I was a polite boy and I was well behaved in public.
No, the face slaps came from non acceptance of a Narcissists rules.  These aren't rules in the normal sense and to child like me completely confusing, that's why I always fell foul of them. That's why I was always scared. I didn't know what was going on until it hit me.

Well the rules are-
1, Obey every whim
2, Show lots and lots of love and lots and lots of gratitude.
3. Agree with every statement whether friendly or foul.
4. Don't even ask why, that's defiance and feigning ignorance
5. And always remember, it will never be enough, so try harder and harder.
6. All rules are changeable and deniable on a minute by minute basis.

Anything contrary or showing independence of thought will be  punished by slapping, kicking, strangling and even belting.

When you cry as a result of punishment, that's confirmation of  guilt and will result in more physical punishment. If you don't cry, that's evil defiance, more slaps.

Wincing when slapped, yes that's being defiant, so another slap.

It all went wrong one Sunday morning when I received a slap for something or another and my mothers engagement ring slashed my face just before setting off to visit her parents. She coerced me into lying about it so as 'Not to worry your Gran, she's not been well and doesn't understand things you see'.
In other words I would be responsible for making my Grandmother ill, and if she's stupid she can't help.
But I knew my Gran was in good health and not mentally subnormal so I told her everything.

 I was just scared and didn't wan't to go home. I was 10 at the time and vaguely remember my mother telling my Gran I was somehow evil,  had bad blood in me , then telling her that she was probably senile so wouldn't understand how bad I was.  The worst thing was the stunning silence from my Father and Grandfather, nice  passive old enablers, you can always rely on them to do absolutely nothing. 

The slappings stopped when I was about 13, they hadn't bargained on a teenage 6 foot son, I also did well at sport, so I was quite athletic. It all stopped when she aimed a slap at me for some imagined defiance and I caught her wrist and held it , when my Father threatened to join in I warned him verbally and he just backed down.

If you think that that was it, NO, Narcissists just alter the tactics, it was time to grind me down verbally. The demolition wasn't quite over yet.

So where how did the golden sister fit in to all this, well, by being proactively charming to those that mattered, that's my parents and she'd also learned how to speak condescendingly to those who didn't matter, that was  just about everybody else. Hilariously, she let slip my mothers private derisive remarks directly to just about every family member.  Result, no friends growing up and grandparents and Aunts, Uncles were wary of her.

The truth is that everyone who comes into contact with a narcissist is a target, but the treatment they receive will be chosen carefully  for the roles they will play in the narcissists life.  On this special chessboard there is one High Queen and lots and lots of pawns.

My rule is,  Every minute you spend thinking or worrying about a narcissist is a minute taken from your life and wasted on them.

I would really like to know if you had a similar experience, or am  I just crazy?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Hi Everyone

Hi I'm not actually Dave Hawkins, this is just a name I'm using as anonymity enables me to speak my true feelings without my real friends and family crossing that private boundary.  I guess I still suffer from my upbringing and I have to admit that I hate showing my feelings to all but 1 or 2 close friends.

I don't know how you feel, but if you've been brought up by a narcissist,  feelings are there to be exploited. For example, as a child if I laughed, I had a warped sense of humor, a bad person. (narcissists don't have a sense of humor in the normal sense). If I cried, it was a sign of guilt, Yes I've got you you little bastard. Or worse, laughed at for being stupid, yes, narcissists humor is ridicule and derision. If I reacted to a humiliation in public and shot my mother a dirty look, there was always this terribly hurt, watery eyed expression in return, followed by a temper tantrum in private. So from an early age I learned to hide all my feelings and although I was accused of being a cold fish, I could live with that. But I'm not a cold fish, I cry like anybody else, but in private that's all.

At the age of 18 I was standing on a railway platform, waiting to catch a train to the South of England to join the army. I remember feeling scared, not of joining the army, but of taking a train without my parents. Although I was a tall fit young man, who looked normal and was of average intelligence, I had absolutely no self confidence at all, that had all been systematically extracted over the years.  I also believed that everyone was somehow more capable, they would look at me and instantly see I was an inadequate fraud waiting to be exposed and laughed at.

During my basic training, which was tough, I found the instructors to be thorough, encouraging and humorous. The army put downs were sarcastic, memorable and funny, but I was used to put downs that invaded my very soul, questioned my very existence, Army put downs were just wake up calls. The most amazing thing was I was never singled out or ridiculed, Wow! I'm normal! I thought.

Homesickness surfaced amongst the other recruits a bit during my training and I really couldn't understand why anyone would cry for their mothers. My Gran had died the year before, she was the only person I had ever confided in. This was my mothers mother, she had told me my mother was a difficult temperamental child.  I was my Grans favourite, much to my Mothers distress. My younger sister was my parents golden child, completely compliant and also was encouraged to join in my derision along with my enabling Father.

She therefore treated our Gran the same way as my mother, a simple lady you had to speak a bit louder and a bit slower to. So, there was no trust between my sister and my Gran. When my Grandmother died, my mother of course became the high chief mourner that all the extended family had to give sympathy to and she just wallowed in it and lapped it all up. After the funeral we all had lunch and her large watery eyes searched for any who dared avoid her. I remember I felt angry and resentful at this situation, I had to get away and leave this madhouse behind.

As far as I was concerned, my parents had adopted me when I was 18 months old and had completely abused this privilege. 'We chose you.' she would say, implying that I should feel grateful and compliant. No, they didn't choose me, they were selected by a committee.
So, please give me your comments , your own experiences. Gotta say, I quite enjoyed writing this. Next time I'll explore how nasty and toxic Narcissism actually is and the extent narcissistic mothers will go to, to maintain control. It gets messy and you can never win.